Postcards from the Edge

This is a series of excerpts from an email with my oldest and dearest friend (edited for content and personal material). I've known this friend since we were eleven years old and when I moved away from her at fifteen, we began corresponding. Today, I still count her as my dearest friend, the one who knows me best and one of the people in my life I can say is a soul mate. We were meant to be friends (thanks to her fortitude) and our friendship has grown and flourished even with the absence of geographic proximity. For years, we wrote letters back and forth and the letters usually required additional postage. To say we wrote volumes would not be overstating things. It's been a long-standing joke that we should put our letters to one another together into a book so this is an incarnation of that dream. After this email, she wrote a brief thank you for how this email helped her along. I look at my words to her as the small thing I could do - the thing you do for those you love, the thing you do for your friend to be there for her, to support her. I am now sharing that very special thing with the world because this friendship is one of the most valuable and important things of my life so sharing it makes it even better.

"Let me just say, as frustrating as marriage is it is so much more difficult with step-children. I can say that being in the midst of it and I think it might even be harder on Mark than it is for me. I wouldn’t wish this [step-parenting] situation on anyone but the sad reality is that at our ages, everyone has likely already had children so if you’re getting together with someone it’s just part of the deal. I think the worst part of being a step-parent (for me) is the lack of control. While you’re loaded down with responsibility, you really have little to no say in the bigger picture. Mark doesn’t really understand this because he usually defers to me with regard to decisions and feels I’m the one making the decisions but ultimately their upbringing and care is not my call. That’s the difficult thing to manage since at best our household only has them 50% of the time and we’re basically at the mercy of their nut-job mom."

I can call his ex-wife/the girls' mother a nut-job because, a.) I'm the current wife and b.) she faked having terminal, stage 4 cancer in hopes of getting my husband to come back to her after SHE divorced him and he married me two years afterward. So - she's a nut-job BECAUSE YOU DON'T DO THAT if you're sane.

"Just don’t give up on marriage. It’s not worth it. Your family is worth the effort and the challenges that marriage offers. It’s not an option – marriage is hard and it’s challenging. Just stick with it and get past the challenges. Those bumps will bring you closer through the shared experience and the euphoria of having gotten through rough patches together. It’s never easy and as easy as it might seem to go off on your own (my little fantasy) the reality is that it is a very lonely place and that having someone there WITH YOU to bear witness to the life you’re living, that’s pretty special. Finding someone else is even more of a challenge. It wouldn’t be better it would just be different, a different set of challenges. Want to consider divorce? Before you do, definitely read as much as you can on remarriage, step-families and the like. It SUCKS. There’s just no other way to describe it except maybe messy, complicated, and ugly. "

"I don’t mean to get on my soap box; I’m talking myself through this as much as I’m talking you through it. I think part of my resolve is that I just heard from a dear friend and she’s getting a divorce which I find heartbreaking. I don’t want that for her or her 3 girls. I don’t want that for anyone. She’s handling it like a champ but I just can’t imagine how life will look for her moving forward. I’m reminded that as much as some of my days suck and as much as I want to choke Mark sometimes, I really am living the dream. Could my dream be better or different – SURE! But overall, I have a husband I love and who loves me, I have step-daughters who are pretty special and sweet (mostly), and a beautiful baby boy. I have a nice home, a dog I adore, a job that I’m thankful for and makes me feel as though I’m doing something good, I have a church life, friends, and time with my family. THIS is the best my life has EVER been so I need to be more gracious and thankful. If I’m not happy about something I need to get over it and figure out what it is I want and make that happen because wallowing in my displeasure won’t do a damn bit of good. "

"Just remember, parenting isn’t a perfect art. We aren’t given instruction manuals for the children. You do the best you can and you should be okay with the decisions you made. There will always be another way, another side, and another outcome that could have occurred. Ultimately, you created the life you have and I do want you to be okay with it. It’s YOUR story – YOUR life and it’s yours to cherish so do so. Your children will reflect back on their childhoods and remember very special moments with you. They won’t remember your outbursts or moments you lost your shit. Trust me – I had a mom who lost her shit ALL THE TIME but I don’t remember those moments. I remember she did freak but I don’t recall a particular time or place. Let that comfort you. I don’t hold it against my mom because I do understand she was doing the best she could and sometimes you just lose your shit. I knew this before I had step-daughters. Life is hard and it’s harder when you’re “the Mom”."

I'm so thankful or this life, for a mother who was flawed and told me it was okay to be flawed as long as you do your best, and for having such a dear friend who still needs me as much as I need her.