Renovation

I've taken some time off from writing...almost a year in fact. I like that my last post was one of gratitude and posted on a conspicuous date 9/9/09. In the time since my last post, so much has changed and I found so much surprising and that began a series of thoughts.

I was pleasantly surprised that my writing was - at the time - quite elegant and accomplished. Out of that came some feelings of having let myself down, or in a small way, let myself go intellectually because my thoughts today don't have the depth, insight, or intellectual capacity as it seems my writing did then. I'd like to think that moving forward in life means improving you each day and becoming a better version of yourself. For me, it seems improvements in one area have come at the sacrifice of another.

So while I have not taken measures to improve myself intellectually, I have improved myself emotionally. I have expanded my support system and love in my life exponentially. I have become reacquainted with family members, introduced to new family, expanded my friendships, and found great love in and from life in my partner and his two little ones. Yet, I find that I have done little to improve myself at an intellectual level.

I'm still unemployed and while it takes a tremendous amount of time (seemingly wasted thus far) to find and apply for jobs, I haven't kept up enough with current events, news, or even with bloggers I love as I once did. I now skim the Google Reader headlines rather than dive into the New York Times, Washington Post, and BBC Online, reading all the articles I could in a given day. I've pared down my list to a handful of people I read regularly but could do so much more with those smart and interesting people out there with something to say and knowledge to impart on the world. I need to open my life to that again and enrich another area of my life so there is something for all my loved ones. I want there to be something for those I love to find interesting, respectful, and honorable within me so that I can know I am giving something to them as well. I can know that I am enriching the world myself and not just a blob taking up space in this part of the world.

In the last year, I have not read many books, found a book inspiring, or even read a novel for pleasure. I have read several books, one of which was Game Change http://www.amazon.com/Game-Change-Clintons-McCain-Lifetime/dp/0061733636
and found it interesting but that it changed my life or perspective very little. I've read a few history books and well, that's probably as boring as it sounds. This isn't who I am! I love books and reading and all the things it can provide you with insight into life through others' experiences, imaginations, or just a snapshot of a time, place, or person that you'd otherwise never know.

I guess I'm at a loss for how I've been apathetic with myself, with personal improvements, and with my life overall. I've allowed the daily ephemera of life to take over and become the priority rather than having the priorities of my life firmly in place. In all it's not bad, I've truly focused on my love, his girls and my home which in the end is the greatest investment for myself and my future. I just question if I've done enough and in gauging it today - I say no.

So...the question I need to ask is: what am I going to do about this? Today, the start will be to think about where I am, where I want to be and find that fine line linking those two places. Wish me luck!