Gratitude

I've been quiet for a while now because of so much going on. You would think that might provide fodder for writing but instead it creates a bit of chaos in my mind and the thoughts are a little scattered. I'm finally feeling out of limbo, closer to the place I'm going to settle. I don't mean physically settle, though that is on the agenda, rather a settled place mentally so I can feel as though I'm contributing to the world again. A job would be nice for that but until the chaos is gone from my mind I doubt the job front will be tremendously productive.

I'm amazed at how blessed I am. I'm lucky enough to have had things work out in a way that I lost my job, a job for which I excelled at performing when allowed to do so. A job that caused the most misery I've ever faced and caused me to question all that I am. What I found in facing down that beast is that I'm a better person than I had previously credited myself, I contributed so much to the KC community, and the patrons I served were appreciative. I added something to their lives and they valued my character. They cared and that saved the memory of that very miserable time. It overpowers the dark memories and creates a silver lining to that cloud. I am thankful for all they offered me and for their continued support.

Family has also shown I am loved. I haven't been actively engaged in their lives for far too long, or my own life for that matter. I believe this was in part, due to the fact that I became accustomed to the absence of family and for the responsibility you have to be a participant within a family. It is a tremendous responsibility and one for which I hold very dear today and moving toward tomorrow. As for not engaging in my own life, I have no idea why I became so complacent but I suppose it was just easier to put things on hold than to deal with all the changes I faced. I am thankful for all my KC family have given me with support, comfort, and a place to always call home. I am thankful for my blood relatives and for all they're sharing, for the love they offer, and for the kindness of the warm embrace in the lives they want me as a participant. They want me engaged in their world, a part of their lives in a very intimate, warm, & loving manner. It is unconditional love and exactly what I need.

Finally, I am so very grateful for my friends. My friends...I feel I am the luckiest girl in the world to have the most compassionate, loving, and amazing friends everywhere. I have those from my distant past who have stayed with me over so many years, those who have been part of my recent past and got me through the most difficult years of my life, and those who were part of my past and now are part of my present and future. Some have reached out to show they care and want happiness for me and sent me off with sadness but knowing our friendship is not bound by proximity or geography. Others, have welcomed me home with open arms, words of encouragement, and with expressions of how I've been missed and the excitement to have me with them again, today. I don't know how I could have asked for more or be a luckier girl than who I am today. For all these things, I am so very grateful and want to recognize it all today because to appreciate all that I have today will make tomorrow even more fulfilling.

James Taylor knows You've Got a Friend

I've taken a vacation from my life of late. No reading relevant news material, no keeping up with most of my intelligent sources for mental stimulation, no blog posts since August 3 but worse, I was snapped back to my reality today when I found that I've apparently vacated my friendships as well. These have likely been neglected far longer than a mere 3 weeks as my reading & writing but likely neglected far, far longer. I have not offered of myself, kept in touch, nor provided the very foundation of anything relating to my friendships. In my own preoccupation with my personal crisis (pl, cri-CEES), the complicated matters of the recent move, unemployment, and of the pending move back to my hometown after 12 years, I have neglected the most basic of friendship responsibilities. I've stopped being a friend.

To add to the shock of realizing what I've done I also had to reflect on the fact that I have cried to myself, complained, and had multiple pity-parties over how my friends have forgotten about ME, seemingly because of my pending move back home. I thought they had abandoned me and found instead that I have likely abandoned them through my own selfishness and self-absorption.

I think the most difficult piece to all of this is not only realizing that I have let my friends down and not been the best person I CAN be for them (and for myself) but that it took seeing someone I can only describe as an arch-enemy and former-friend, who turned on me in the most horrible of ways, has in fact maintained the friendships I have failed. AND – this enemy is a GUY!

Let this serve as a life-lesson for me because now, more than ever, I will rely upon good communication and BEING A FRIEND to MY FRIENDS as the sustenance for my future. It will be the thing to carry me through and I can only thank my lucky stars that I found this failing in myself early enough to take heed and step-up my own acts. I need to BE a friend to be WORTHY of those I call my friends.

To you all, I thank you for your continued friendship and patience when I’m an ass.

Boston Tweetup or East Coast Elitism?

Please let me first say, I have no firsthand knowledge of any of the events occurring over the weekend or any personal relationship with anyone involved. That said, I still am a highly opinionated person and have ideas to share, so please keep reading.
I’m shocked at the responses about the Boston Tweetup over the weekend. Many of those in attendance are people I follow on Twitter and now on Tumblr & Favrd. I can’t imagine that any of these forward-thinking, educated, and witty individuals would intentionally exclude anyone from an event. I suspect the entire get-together began with two people deciding they should meet. Naturally, the conversation would likely progress into “Well, should we invite so-and-so? Who else?…” and so on. Eventually, as the list grew I can imagine they realized they had to cut it off and kept it to individuals they a.) knew well b.) thought would enjoy the company of those on the invitation list and c.) would feel welcome, want to meet this group and have something to share.

This is all conjecture of course but I just find it remarkable that something so very innocent could suddenly be the source of tremendous drama and hurt feelings. I can understand anytime exclusivity is involved, the natural presumption is that it concerns sexism, racism, or something of the sort. Quite possibly, we’ve all become hyper-sensitive to exclusivity because it takes us back to the high school years. We didn’t want to be excluded from anything and it made us feel inferior. I still lament at the fact that I was kicked off of prom court to make space for another girl (a minority) but I feel that it probably served that girl so very much more than it would have offered me. In the end, it was HIGH SCHOOL and the damage to my psyche was minimal in contrast to what I have faced every day since. Today, I’m not invited to all the events hosted by my very close friends. Sometimes, after they’re together they realize an invitation would have been a good idea and my presence is certainly missed. The thing is, I’m an adult and I know my value extends beyond what I am or I’m not invited to attend.

All I’ve read from those with a complaint over the injustice of the Boston Tweetup seems really petty, juvenile, and misplaced. While I have no doubt the feelings are genuine, and the hurt is tremendously unfortunate, the reality is IT WASN’T ABOUT YOU. This small group decided to get together. That’s it! So who cares if you weren’t invited? Put on your big girl pants & get over it. Stop whining…and if you had a significant other attend the event without you and you wanted to go…doesn’t the responsibility to you lie with the significant other and not the hosts of the event?

My intent is not to diminish anyone or their feelings but to point out that in the bigger scheme of life, this event is small and insignificant. It offered tremendous opportunity to those in attendance and hopefully a memorable experience. To those NOT invited, it offered you time to do something worthwhile to your OWN life and to better yourself. You’re an adult and can have the initiative to create your own world, your own social life, and find personal activities with value for you. Why lament not attending one event and presume it was something elitist when you can do something far more fulfilling for yourself?

I do want to recognize the fact that no one can walk a mile in another’s shoes. The shoes might be on our feet but the fit can never be replicated because of personal experience. What I do know is that if we can all just give one another the benefit of the doubt, assume the best in others, find the best within ourselves and those around us…we might all find ourselves in a better world.

Wanting.

I'm so tired of feeling as though I'm waiting to start my life over but realize I have more time to wait. I want to feel as though I can jump right into a new world - MY world. I want to engage...I want to live, to experience, to be covered in the mess offered by life. I want to have too many things to do and to have to juggle events in my life. I want to experience things...to have things happen, people to see, events to attend, places to go. I want the Dr. Seuss book "Oh The Places You'll Go" to narrate my life right now. You know...simple things in a simple life, offering so very much.

http://www.ibdeditorials.com/IBDArticles.aspx?id=333933226310500

This editorial (also on Gatesgate) reminds us all of what REALLY happened...a couple of people performed their civic duty.

What ever became of the Citizenship Award in school? The one to teach us all to aspire to be good, quality members of the community. Better yet - what happened to COMMUNITIES? A rant for another day...

A Lesson in Humility

http://www.theroot.com/views/accident-time-and-place

Earlier this week, I wrote of my appreciation for Henry Louis Gates and this column, effectively captures the spirit within his person. This is the Henry Louis Gates I've seen on discussion panels and appreciate so much. The entire column was less than I expected from him but culminated with a statement that sums up the real lesson learned. It reads: "Having spent my academic career trying to bridge differences and promote understanding among Americans, I can report that it is far more comfortable being the commentator than being commented upon. At this point, I am hopeful that we can all move on, and that this experience will prove an occasion for education, not recrimination. "

I think that pretty much says it all. The lesson learned? Humility.

Taste of Things to Come

http://www.whitehouse.gov/health-insurance-consumer-protections/

Good news - things are headed in the right direction but we're not there yet. Let's all hope this brings about changes in the entire health-care system, beyond that of simply providing care for those without or with less than adequate coverage. Here's hoping...

A Moment of Melancholy

Lately, I feel so great to have reconnected with old friends and some former boyfriends. In fact, I've been in touch with a few former boyfriends, each still offering me some level of comfort through our friendship and shared history. To know that people are still interested in my friendship after so many years is quite validating. Right now, I NEED validation.

I need to know that the past 35 years aren't a waste because right now, very little is left of my former life. I thought I'd been on the right track of moving forward and working toward making the right decisions, doing the right thing, and having things prioritized appropriately. I worked toward giving of myself so I might be open to receiving the wonderful things out there for me.

To Be Continued...

A Snapshot into Obama's Reality

Reblog from Meme, Myself, & I
http://essdogg.tumblr.com

essdogg:
Before He Was President, Mistaken for a Waiter: a 2003 Obama Meeting
I had a man over today installing our new cable line. When he finally got everything working and turned on the TV, it was on a news channel and the Cambridge PD press conference was on. The cable guy, who was black, said "You know, they need to leave that man alone. Look at the facts. Yeah, maybe he overreacted and there was some profiling there, but he's a cop, he gets a call, it's dark, it's a rich neighborhood, he's got to check it out. What's he gonna do, ignore it? Leave the man alone and let 'em take care of it in private."
I don't care to comment on whether I expected that reply because I'll sound stupid no matter what I say. But from what little I've read about the case and the officer and Gates, my cable guy was probably right. Overreactions all around. But why doesn't anyone talk about whoever it was that called the police? Because the upper-class isn't racist, right?
Anyway, it made me think of this article, which I read after Obama was elected.
Standing by myself I noticed, on the periphery of the party, a man looking as awkward and out-of-place as I felt. I approached him and introduced myself. He was an Illinois state senator who was running for the U.S. Senate. He was African American, one of a few black people in attendance.
We spoke at length about his campaign. He was charismatic in a quiet, solemn way. I told him I wanted to pitch a profile of him to a national magazine. (The magazine later rejected my proposal.)...
...But what I will always remember is as I was leaving that party in 2003, I was approached by another guest, an established author. He asked about the man I had been talking to. Sheepishly he told me he didn’t know that Obama was a guest at the party, and had asked him to fetch him a drink. In less than six years, Obama has gone from being mistaken for a waiter among the New York media elite, to the president-elect.
What a country.
Yes, what a country where even the white literary elite can be racist shitheads. Maybe Obama didn't "calibrate" his words properly. But let there be no question that he has experienced more casual racism in his life than we'll probably ever know. So maybe he deserves a pass.

Circa 1989

Talking with a friend this evening, I was struck by something my friend said. A comment was made regarding who we were in 1989. Naturally, much of the discussion was jovial in reflecting on stellar coifs from back in the day, as well as considering our youth versus current maturity. The thing that caught my attention (after the pictures from 1989 of course) was a remark by my friend that he was good in 1989 but also likes who he's become, the person he is today. He wasn't saying he's better today, only "different".

I began to ponder the bigger question. If who we are today is largely in part due to the person we were then, can we say we like one over the other? Wouldn't it always be that we're different today? So much of our lives we fail to recognize the moment and the today and instead live for the when…the when I do this, when I accomplish that, and so on. So much time is spent striving toward a future that in doing so, how could we possibly appreciate who we are at this moment? We work toward a future thing, toward an idea of who will become but too often, we fail to invest in the today which is the building block of who we will be tomorrow.
I question also, how many people truly would find they're not happy with who they are today. If not, doesn't it make the challenges of everyday life less robust and rewarding? Or if we don't like who we are today, why not change those things today?

The conversation encouraged me to think of how often we reflect back on whom we were at some point in our lives and so often think "if only..." or "I wish I had...” What I realized is that each day should be lived fully so we might move forward with confidence and the knowledge that the moments we had in sum, make us who we are today. I suspect my friend has lived his life appreciating each moment, working for his today, and knowing tomorrow will provide a sum of those moments…each having an impact on who he was, who he is, and eventually on the amazing person he will continue to be, and become more amazing.

In summary, I found I too am happy with the woman I am today, and thankful that I have such friends to stimulate thought and personal introspection.

Michael Lewis Article

An interesting article from October 2008 about the mortgage crisis and Americans' lust for living the "American Dream". Notably, Michael Lewis identifies our own greed as the catalyst in that crisis, not the mortgage brokers. He, in a word, is CORRECT!

http://www.portfolio.com/culture-lifestyle/goods/real-estate/2008/09/18/Michael-Lewis-Mansion?page=2#page=2

For One and All

Currently, I'm perplexed with the universal healthcare proposal as I love the idea of providing an additional opportunity to the citizens of this great country; however, I am pragmatic about the process and how this might be implemented through government processes. I do believe it is every citizen’s right to have access to health insurance and currently, everyone does have access but at a price. Anyone can purchase health insurance but the price isn’t always reasonable, depending on your needs, your medical history, and any pre-existing conditions. Yes, the DREADED “pre-existing” condition.

I believe it seems reasonable to offer health coverage through the government to encourage competitiveness in pricing for health packages. That is a tall order and the question is HOW would this occur? Thus far, the ideology offered would provide a menu of plans offered for everyday citizen’s at a range of prices and coverage options.

The question I have is how would you minimize the costs offered on the menu? How can the government dictate what is reasonable to the insurance companies offering coverage? Most likely, the insurance companies would submit a bid for the opportunity to provide health coverage to for the universal health coverage. To receive the bid, they would have to price their plans to compete and come in lower than current market pricing. This would create a new issue in two ways. First, the company would recover the expenses of lost revenues through the bid plans and would likely do so by driving up the costs of the plans sold to everyone else utilizing the private insurances offered. Second, in driving up the costs of private insurance plans, they would in fact increase the “reasonable market value” thus driving up the cost of the available bid prices. To give another idea; it would be no different than the current issue of hospitals recovering their “expenses” from indigent or free clinic services by driving up costs of simple items like Tylenol or Kleenex. You might also consider the often ridiculed but oh so real $200 toilets, $90 hammers, and the like itemized within government bids. These items priced reasonably at the local store but bid priced to the government at an exorbitant rate. How would we ensure this won't happen with health insurance as it continues today in every other area of our government?

Another, more legitimate example of questionable pricing may be found within my own insurance coverage. I carry Blue Cross/Blue Shield Blue Care HMO insurance, fully paid for by my (former) employer. The fee charged my former employer (I am currently laid-off) is $388.64 per month. To provide you with the facts, with this plan I am offered $20 co-pay for office visits, $35 specialist visits, and $100 emergency room visits. I also have a prescription plan through Blue Cross/Blue Shield Blue Care, providing generics at a very reasonable cost and others at a discount. To purchase a similar plan online through Blue Cross/Blue Shield, I would pay $267.27 per month for the Preferred-Care Blue Rate Saver but note this plan is not exactly the same as my Blue Care plan as it does have a $500 deductible. The difference between the plans is $121.37 per month. The monthly savings alone, could recover the deductible fee within a period of 4.5 months. The question I have is WHY would the same plan cost vary so much between the BCBS website and that offered by BCBS through my former employer? I have that answer – it comes in two ways.

The first way in which the pricing would differ so greatly, is through the bid process. My former employer is a school district and required to procure goods and services through the bid process, just as any government agency requires. The insurance company generally takes the available information for the “group” and estimate the fees involved for coverage. Now, I must share also that I chose the least expensive plan available and many others were offered with additional fees for additional services, as well as PPO plans which also involved additional fees. For the purposes of providing information, I am only using the plan for which I carry and the most similar plan found online at http://www.bcbskc.com/.

Once the the insurance company "wins" the bid, the insurance company and school district negotiate additional needs for the offered plans. This process involves the assurance to the insurance company, by the school district that a specific number of individuals will DEFINITELY receive coverage as health insurance is required by the district for each employee, termed “single paid health insurance”. Additional policies may be purchased by the employee to offer coverage for spouses and dependents. Through this bid process, the insurance company is assured a minimal number of insured’s and can then calculate the expenditure for their company and the cost to the district per employee.

The second way in which the two similar plans could have the great difference in pricing is due to the aforementioned “group”. The “group” is comprised of the pool of individuals within the extended coverage, and is part of the calculated cost negotiated by the insurance company and the district. This group, if part of a greater or more costly “at-risk” group would increase the monthly and annual fees for insurance coverage. For example, if a significant number of births, major surgeries, or illnesses occur within those covered by the district policy, the insurance company will increase costs for the following bid process by citing the expenses incurred by the group. Much in the same way your car insurance could increase if you have a significant number of claims with your company within your zip code, the insurance company can use your history and the history of your community (in this case the other employees) as the determining factor for the expense of your insurance.

I question how insurance companies would transfer this process to the Federal Government? More than likely, a group would be comprised of the covered citizens but what criteria would be used for determination of the risks and expenses? Consider this, so many things beyond your own history can impact your health and environmental factors could certainly be shown to influence health. It is possible that insurance companies would use your home value, your zip code, your socio-economic status and job to further determine the costs of insurance for you as an individual. Ultimately, it is likely the costs for private insurance would increase thus driving up the market value for a policy and the average cost of a policy when determining a bid price. The cost offered to citizens for the universal health coverage could ultimately grow far greater than at present and it would be on the shoulders of our government and of us as taxpayers to carry the costs moving forward.

I would love to see the opportunity for everyone to obtain health insurance at a reasonable cost but first, I do believe the word “reasonable” needs to be identified and a dollar amount of capped costs for citizens with the minimum of specific coverage offered should be written in stone.

A New Day is Dawning

Obama's unprecedented press conference shows his character and integrity. The fact that the media and presumably the country demanded an apology from President Obama, from Prof. Gates, and/or Sgt. Crowley, had little impact on how President Obama handled the situation. I am so very impressed that he did not issue an apology as none was necessary.

In my opinion, everyone involved with this situation quite possibly overreacted. As I posted yesterday, I believe Professor Gates misunderstood the police officers' intent. The police officers acted according to the department guidelines BUT (and that is a BIG but) could very easily have used a bit of discretion in understanding that Professor Gates had been on a long trip and simply wanted to relax. His handling of the situation didn't NEED to escalate the situation and I believe had the officers simply had a rational discussion with him, could have avoided the entire incident. What is unclear at present is whether a rational conversation would have been possible. That factor should weigh heavily on whether this continues to be a sore spot with the country.

It should also be recognized however, that this country remains racially divided. Beyond black & white, all races fail to comfortably and cohesively reside with one another. Until we can begin to see our fellow man (and woman) as simply another man and woman we all will continue to suffer for our own ignorance. What can we do to help ourselves? Take it upon ourselves to reign in stereotypes and work diligently as individuals to avoid perpetuating them. We must live with character and integrity, with patience, and most of all with understanding.

An Unfortunate Reality

I love Henry Louis Gates. He's always an intelligent voice of change and reason as a panelist on the McLaughlin group. I have tremendous respect for his opinion and his intellect but today I feel sorry for his inability to see things as they are.

I think it is unfortunate that the Cambridge PD chose to arrest him to "deescelate" the situation, but what I find even more unfortunate is that Mr. Gates failed to see the PD assisting him as a resident, and instead saw them targeting him as a black man. He's a MAN, not a black man, a man with glasses, or a man with a cane. He's a MAN and if HE can remember that and focus on it - quite possibly he could recognize that in others as well. I sincerely doubt the police officers arrested him for being a black man and instead, wanted to follow protocol with securing a residence.

Ioffer this other view of the scenario: a 911 call is made, notifying PD of 2 male intruders entering a residence.
Police respond to the residence and find a single black man, the resident of the home. This resident seems aggitated and ready to usher the officers out of the home. The other reported individual, is not present.

The police officers - instead of taking the resident's word of who the other individual was, takes every precaution to ensure that this is not in fact a hostage situation and that Mr. Gates, the resident is not simply acting on orders of the intruder.
To ensure this is a simple case of misunderstanding and that the resident couldn't gain access to his home, the police officer ask Mr. Gates to exit the residence. Rather than see the police officers DOING THEIR JOBS, he instead attacks them verbally which led to the outcome of his arrest.

I feel for Mr. Gates and it is unfortunate that he was arrested, but what I find most unfortunate is that Mr. Gates failed to conduct himself with the patience and decorum for which I know he possesses. I respect his demeanor each week when he is featured as a panelist on The McLaughlin Group and wish that for a moment, he had had the open-minded attitude to show the world another view as he does as a panelist. This was personal to him and he responded as such but it only created a new reality, not the one in which he lived to the moment he was discourteous to the responding officers.

Certainly, as a white woman I may be isolated in my personal experience with police officers "targeting" me racially, however, through too many mistakes in choices I've made I also recognize much of what we experience in life is of our own making. I believe Mr. Gates now also finds himself in a situation of his own making and is failing to own his choices and instead is pointing the finger at a civil servant simply doing his job. That lack of understanding and open mindedness is also tremendously unfortunate.

Chaos & Clarity

In the midst of complete chaos, I find clarity.

For the first time in a very long time hope is my present and future. I am hopeful each day, for each coming day, bringing me closer to the happiness and security I have searched for all my adult years. My world is less secure than ever due to my homeless and jobless status yet it is now that I find the greatest comfort and hope. Losing my job meant I had to make difficult decisions, including giving up my home to be a permanent guest with those who love me. Through all of the decisions I have been comforted by the fact that I am truly blessed with amazing family and friends.

At the conclusion of my job, I found tremendous respect and support from the clients I served so long. For eleven years I questioned if each kind word and expression of gratitude was in fact serving to build the foundation for the next request, the next favor, the next time they needed something from me. What I found instead, was a warmth and generosity of spirit that was absolutely overwhelming. People who no longer could or would receive anything from me, reached out and offered sincere thanks. They showed me that I had in my very small way, impacted their lives and made their world a little better. For someone questioning their value (after being laid-off), that support and appreciation offered the greatest validation. I was shown that the years of true blood, sweat, and tears were not in vain but the price to pay for offering so much to people truly deserving.

This validation has extended into so many areas of my life, for which I am grateful and humbled. I ponder the idea that I am finally open to receive such blessings and gifts as they are certainly abundant of late. My friends have reached out and continue to look toward my arrival in St. Louis. I feel welcomed and missed - a homecoming I had hoped to receive in 1992 but find instead in 2009. Life just doesn't always abide by OUR timetable, but has a structure of its own.

It is my sincere hope that these blessings continue to flow into my life and that I am capable of recognizing and appreciating each and every one.

The Beginning

I'm fulfilling a dream...I'm writing. I'm doing this for myself but also for all who believe in me, all who have complimented my writing abilities, and those who believe I have a story to tell. I thank you for the encouragement, for the support, and for your belief in me when I failed to believe in myself. Today I take your strength and use it to fulfill this dream and to step into the world. To all who lament my failure at keeping a journal - this shall serve as my journal and collection of what is on my mind today, for tomorrow.