Circles of Hell

I just sent this to my mom about this blog post: http://www.dooce.com/2012/10/22/after-school-special

If you haven't read anything by Heather Armstrong (Dooce) I strongly recommend her blog. I've followed her for over 10 years and think she's brilliant. She's certainly not for everyone but her voice speaks for many and she brings attention to many great topics from depression, parenting, 3rd world issues, and the wonderful lives of dogs (or those of humans with dogs). In any case, her post regarding her 2nd grader's homework is one of honesty and worth sharing!

Mom,
This is a post by a blogger I read regularly and have for over 10 years. She’s a year younger than me and is raising two daughters while juggling the responsibilities of parenting and working from home. She’s a brilliant writer though somewhat unfiltered and crass at times but has been named as Forbes Magazine’s 26th most influential woman in media. See: http://www.forbes.com/2009/07/14/most-influential-women-in-media-forbes-woman-power-women-oprah-winfrey_slide_27.html What I most appreciate is her perspective and honesty. This is a post she had recently (today I believe) and I thought I’d share it with you because…well, it’s true.

Also, you should know that she’s a former Mormon but her mother is still practicing so that should help you through the Celestial Kingdome reference. It’s their Heaven and they have multiple levels of heavens to reach according to their actions here on Earth (Terrestrial Kingdom).

I have felt the pain she writes about, will continue to experience such pain, and if there is an example of redemption on Earth it’s certainly when your own children enter parenthood. My message to you is this: Mom, please enjoy your redemption, a heaven of sorts for you. For me, there’s a circle of hell involved but that’s another writer though he was never honored by Forbes but was probably referenced by them often.

Love,
Angela

Who needs Hallmark when you have the internet and can reference Dante? And really, what are the odds any Hallmark card would cover material like parenting as well as a parent with a mommy blog?

State of Our Union

Today is our second anniversary and in my role as First Lady, I feel I should offer a “State of our Union” address. In the last two years we’ve faced challenges, fought our way through life sometimes together, sometimes individually, and sometimes against one another but in the end, we’re better as a team. We’re better together and we’re better today than we were two years ago. We have much to work on, much to improve in our lives and a path that dictates we’ll do it together and be just fine.

From our humble beginnings two years ago, we can reflect back on living in another home, having another career path, and another way of living. We can celebrate successes at having faced down issues with family members, issues with his ex-wife, and issues with raising the girls. We survived his ex-wife’s fake cancer; we overcame her efforts at ruining the girls’ academic success, and quashed her attempts at ruining our marriage. Each time we faced down her challenges, we grew from the experience and we became stronger together. In many ways, I should thank her for the success she has offered our marriage. Maybe I’ll do that…

The girls are stronger today and better adjusted than two years ago. We’re still working through some stuff and facing future challenges as one grows in her confidence and the other continues to exert her independence. God help us, someday they’ll be teenagers! So far, they’re on a good track and we’re giving them a good life. Our marriage has benefitted from the world we’re creating for them and because of the life it’s offering our family and our marriage. We’ve surrounded ourselves with a wonderful community of friends who want to live well, provide for their families, and experience happiness each day, each moment possible. We are better for having our friends as role-models, having their families enrich our lives, and having this social structure for our family.

We live in a new home that is the first place we can call “ours”. The girls have a space that is clearly theirs and is reflective of them as little girls. Matthew began his time in the world in this home and has a space that will grow and change with him. We will build memories within the walls of this home and will look back at the time in this home as wonderful and memorable. These walls protect us, give us stability, and envelop us as a family.

Mark and I each have different jobs than we did two years ago today. I actually HAVE a job with a wonderful company that allows me to make a difference in the world each day. We expand our family to include many of those in the company I work for and the Hobart family helps enrich our lives. They contribut to our lives with the making of memories, offering of opportunities, benefits (YAY!HEALTH INSURANCE), and certainly the peace of mind in knowing my job will help provide for our family. They are supportive of the girls’ education, of their growing faith, of our family, of Matthew’s development, and they are supportive of our marriage. Ultimately, they are a part of the life we are building and without them it wouldn’t be as rich a life.

Mark’s new job is providing in ways we never expected. He’s found his niche in route sales and is very successful in his endeavors. He works long, hard hours but is fulfilling his role as father, husband, and provider. Mark is giving himself so much in the work he’s doing because he’s working toward things he wants more than anything. He’s making a life for the girls, for Matthew and for me. We don’t have much and we work hard for each thing we have but it’s well worth the effort.

Looking forward, we have new dreams, new goals, and new ideas for the direction for our lives and for our family. Overall, it’s an improvement in what we thought we wanted, in the direction we thought our lives would go, and ultimately an improvement in the life we live together. I await each moment anxiously and with giddy enthusiasm for the memories we’re creating each day.

In all, I think the state of our union is wonderful, tumultuous, exciting, challenging, fulfilling, warm, humorous, and overall it’s pretty remarkable! I know today that we will have a successful term that is our marriage, our life together.

Postcards from the Edge

This is a series of excerpts from an email with my oldest and dearest friend (edited for content and personal material). I've known this friend since we were eleven years old and when I moved away from her at fifteen, we began corresponding. Today, I still count her as my dearest friend, the one who knows me best and one of the people in my life I can say is a soul mate. We were meant to be friends (thanks to her fortitude) and our friendship has grown and flourished even with the absence of geographic proximity. For years, we wrote letters back and forth and the letters usually required additional postage. To say we wrote volumes would not be overstating things. It's been a long-standing joke that we should put our letters to one another together into a book so this is an incarnation of that dream. After this email, she wrote a brief thank you for how this email helped her along. I look at my words to her as the small thing I could do - the thing you do for those you love, the thing you do for your friend to be there for her, to support her. I am now sharing that very special thing with the world because this friendship is one of the most valuable and important things of my life so sharing it makes it even better.

"Let me just say, as frustrating as marriage is it is so much more difficult with step-children. I can say that being in the midst of it and I think it might even be harder on Mark than it is for me. I wouldn’t wish this [step-parenting] situation on anyone but the sad reality is that at our ages, everyone has likely already had children so if you’re getting together with someone it’s just part of the deal. I think the worst part of being a step-parent (for me) is the lack of control. While you’re loaded down with responsibility, you really have little to no say in the bigger picture. Mark doesn’t really understand this because he usually defers to me with regard to decisions and feels I’m the one making the decisions but ultimately their upbringing and care is not my call. That’s the difficult thing to manage since at best our household only has them 50% of the time and we’re basically at the mercy of their nut-job mom."

I can call his ex-wife/the girls' mother a nut-job because, a.) I'm the current wife and b.) she faked having terminal, stage 4 cancer in hopes of getting my husband to come back to her after SHE divorced him and he married me two years afterward. So - she's a nut-job BECAUSE YOU DON'T DO THAT if you're sane.

"Just don’t give up on marriage. It’s not worth it. Your family is worth the effort and the challenges that marriage offers. It’s not an option – marriage is hard and it’s challenging. Just stick with it and get past the challenges. Those bumps will bring you closer through the shared experience and the euphoria of having gotten through rough patches together. It’s never easy and as easy as it might seem to go off on your own (my little fantasy) the reality is that it is a very lonely place and that having someone there WITH YOU to bear witness to the life you’re living, that’s pretty special. Finding someone else is even more of a challenge. It wouldn’t be better it would just be different, a different set of challenges. Want to consider divorce? Before you do, definitely read as much as you can on remarriage, step-families and the like. It SUCKS. There’s just no other way to describe it except maybe messy, complicated, and ugly. "

"I don’t mean to get on my soap box; I’m talking myself through this as much as I’m talking you through it. I think part of my resolve is that I just heard from a dear friend and she’s getting a divorce which I find heartbreaking. I don’t want that for her or her 3 girls. I don’t want that for anyone. She’s handling it like a champ but I just can’t imagine how life will look for her moving forward. I’m reminded that as much as some of my days suck and as much as I want to choke Mark sometimes, I really am living the dream. Could my dream be better or different – SURE! But overall, I have a husband I love and who loves me, I have step-daughters who are pretty special and sweet (mostly), and a beautiful baby boy. I have a nice home, a dog I adore, a job that I’m thankful for and makes me feel as though I’m doing something good, I have a church life, friends, and time with my family. THIS is the best my life has EVER been so I need to be more gracious and thankful. If I’m not happy about something I need to get over it and figure out what it is I want and make that happen because wallowing in my displeasure won’t do a damn bit of good. "

"Just remember, parenting isn’t a perfect art. We aren’t given instruction manuals for the children. You do the best you can and you should be okay with the decisions you made. There will always be another way, another side, and another outcome that could have occurred. Ultimately, you created the life you have and I do want you to be okay with it. It’s YOUR story – YOUR life and it’s yours to cherish so do so. Your children will reflect back on their childhoods and remember very special moments with you. They won’t remember your outbursts or moments you lost your shit. Trust me – I had a mom who lost her shit ALL THE TIME but I don’t remember those moments. I remember she did freak but I don’t recall a particular time or place. Let that comfort you. I don’t hold it against my mom because I do understand she was doing the best she could and sometimes you just lose your shit. I knew this before I had step-daughters. Life is hard and it’s harder when you’re “the Mom”."

I'm so thankful or this life, for a mother who was flawed and told me it was okay to be flawed as long as you do your best, and for having such a dear friend who still needs me as much as I need her.