Chaos & Clarity

In the midst of complete chaos, I find clarity.

For the first time in a very long time hope is my present and future. I am hopeful each day, for each coming day, bringing me closer to the happiness and security I have searched for all my adult years. My world is less secure than ever due to my homeless and jobless status yet it is now that I find the greatest comfort and hope. Losing my job meant I had to make difficult decisions, including giving up my home to be a permanent guest with those who love me. Through all of the decisions I have been comforted by the fact that I am truly blessed with amazing family and friends.

At the conclusion of my job, I found tremendous respect and support from the clients I served so long. For eleven years I questioned if each kind word and expression of gratitude was in fact serving to build the foundation for the next request, the next favor, the next time they needed something from me. What I found instead, was a warmth and generosity of spirit that was absolutely overwhelming. People who no longer could or would receive anything from me, reached out and offered sincere thanks. They showed me that I had in my very small way, impacted their lives and made their world a little better. For someone questioning their value (after being laid-off), that support and appreciation offered the greatest validation. I was shown that the years of true blood, sweat, and tears were not in vain but the price to pay for offering so much to people truly deserving.

This validation has extended into so many areas of my life, for which I am grateful and humbled. I ponder the idea that I am finally open to receive such blessings and gifts as they are certainly abundant of late. My friends have reached out and continue to look toward my arrival in St. Louis. I feel welcomed and missed - a homecoming I had hoped to receive in 1992 but find instead in 2009. Life just doesn't always abide by OUR timetable, but has a structure of its own.

It is my sincere hope that these blessings continue to flow into my life and that I am capable of recognizing and appreciating each and every one.